Saturday, 17 September 2016



When I first found out I was pregnant, it is true when people say a rush of emotions come over you and you ask yourself a million and one questions; "Am I ready?" "Can I afford a baby?" "Will I be a good mum?" "Can I cope?" "Do I need to stop taking my medication?" You see, before I fell pregnant I was taking anti-depressants on and off for a while. I battled with myself daily as I hated the thought of relying on tablets to make me happy so I would stop taking them but then I'd have a meltdown and realise I did need them and they helped me. My best friend died, almost 3 and a half years ago now, of an undiagnosed brain tumour. There were no real warning signs. We knew she hadn't been very well but the doctors failed to recognise the signs. I'll never forget the day I got the news. My life changed forever. I became very sad, withdrawn and felt my heart was breaking a little more every day. I carried a lot of guilt for not realising how seriously ill my friend was and that I didn't do more. It still hurts every day, such a raw numb feeling that she is gone. But she is now my star in the sky and with me every day.

When you are depressed, you don't see things clearly and you become irrational. I left my job of nearly 8 years without having anything else lined up because I'd had enough. Mood swings are the worst. My boyfriend would spend hours googling depression and anxiety- "how to deal with someone you love that has depression". He was so understanding, he knew I couldn't help the fact that I'd be fine one minute, angry the next then burst into tears straight after. He pulled me out of some deep dark places and I will be forever thankful. It takes a lot of courage being a friend to someone who has depression. I can imagine how draining it is. I lost a few friends because of it. Some didn't understand. Some didn't even want to understand and some had just had enough of it. I can probably count on both hands the people that really stuck by me and there are no words to describe how grateful I am. I decided to stop taking the anti-depressants for my babies health and now I feel stronger than ever. 


I had a pretty normal pregnancy, no real problems just the usual heartburn, tiredness etc. It went really quick too. I still went out and enjoyed my usual activities. I do believe its mind over matter and if you stay in because you're tired - you will become even more tired and your pregnancy will drag! 12 days after my due date, my little boy was born. Again, very quick labour with no serious issues. He was a healthy 7 lb 14 oz and I was smitten. Unconditional love is the only way I can describe how I was feeling. I was bursting with happiness. I made this little person, obviously with the help of my boyfriend but still, he was mine and I was going to love him with every piece of my broken heart. Our house was getting renovated so we lived with my parents until Harry was 5 weeks old and my goodness, I don't know how mamas do it without their parents. I was so lucky to have the support I did. Now we are settled in our little family home and it's safe to say I feel the most content I've felt in a very long time. I still have the occasional bad day but now I have the best reason to try and pick myself up. I've not felt the urge to take anti-depressants or feel I need to rely on them to stabilise my moods. Being a mum is the best feeling in the world. I sometimes wonder why I didn't have a baby sooner! I really believe Harry is my little miracle in that he saved me. He's helped me be a better, stronger person. Don't get me wrong, its tough being a mum. Very tough. There are a lot of things fellow mums don't tell you, they'll sugarcoat certain things and pretend everything is hunky dory at home when it isn't but thats okay. There is so much pressure to be the "perfect mum" and be able to do everything when in reality it's a lot harder. Trying to do everyday tasks and take your baby to all the important baby classes is physically and mentally tiring but so rewarding. Harry is nearly 5 months now and I still feel like I am winging it every day but I am having the best time learning. Becoming a mum helps you realise who and what is important. Not to stress the small stuff and focus on being happy and healthy for your child. It's so exciting watching him grow and learn new things every day- all babies really are little miracles! 

I hope you enjoyed getting to know me a little better behind all the makeup. 

Thanks for reading xo

1 comment:

  1. Such a lovely blog post Laura, you're so strong, and I'm glad your little bundle of joy has brought some happiness and positivity into your life now. Xxx